This morning, I woke up and decided to start writing my letter of resignation. And the point of this letter is to express my true feelings for the company as well as provide some humorous insight into my employment in hell.
Dear Tessa,
You’re a bitch. You haven’t given me the hours I ask for since you took over. I constantly get fucked in the ass with hours because you have the most retarded shifts and schedule the people that live the furthest from the store for the stupid little 4 hour shifts. And those 7-11pm shifts, they’re really 7-10, so you can suck my dick because every 7-11 shift I have, I end up saving you 8 dollars. And all my shifts are 7-11.
But I digress.
I will be ending my employment with you on February 13, 2011. The main reason behind this is so that I can give you a two weeks notice so I can use you as a reference later and not have you be too bitter over it. In resignation letters, you are generally supposed to thank your employer for all the opportunities I’ve been given. So I would like to thank you for not giving ANY raises since you took over Matt’s position. (He was actually good at his job, not a bitch, and has been fucked in the ass by this hellish company more than anyone else.) Along with never getting a raise, I also want to thank you for never giving me more than 20 hours even though I used to ALWAYS come in to work when you ask me to. And I’m there within 20 minutes. The reason I say I used to always come in is because I decided a month back that whenever you called me in for your shift, I wouldn’t go.
Remember when you called me to cover for you on a really busy day? I told you I was baking. By baking, I mean I was high as fuck and making a pizza. I could have come in, and I would’ve. But you’re a bitch, so I didn’t.
Thank you so much for chastising me for telling obvious vegetarians that our fries are cooked in the fat of a cow. I’m sorry I don’t want people to be sick or upset with the company. And the reasoning behind it? Because we don’t want to stereotype people because they look vegetarian for religious reasons.
I’m sorry, but if a group full of brown, turban wearing people order 9 grilled cheese sandwiches for a bunch of adults, I’m going to inquire, because that’s odd. Not because I’m stereotyping, but because I’m not fucking retarded.
And don’t even get me started on Wayne. He is the most annoying, old, racist man that my parents know. He knows my parents. That pisses me off. My parents are good people and don’t deserve to speak with him.
Things that I hate about Wayne:
You’re a dick.
You’re a bigot.
You always come into the restaurant, fuck with the temperature, then complain to me how cold and dirty it is. I’m sorry it’s dirty, we just had a 400 dollar hour and you happened to come when everyone left. I’ll try to clear and wipe 18 tables, restock all cups, napkins, straws, ketchup and mustard, and run the food that is still coming out all by myself while Leo is taking orders. Oh hey, by the way, is it warm enough in here for you? Because while I run around, you sit on your computeR and get paid $100k/yr to be a complete asshole to everyone. All you do is complain. You would be the most annoying customer, I would never want to serve you.
Sincerely,
Breydon Mofuggin’ Beshore
PS I hate you.
